Does everything have to go exactly according to plan for you to feel okay?
If you’re a perfectionist, your need for control might be running your life – and making relationships very tricky.
Here’s what I see constantly in my therapy practice: perfectionists who seem picky, highly critical of others, and absolutely determined that everything around them must be flawless. This need for control driven by perfectionism can make relationships incredibly challenging and leave you feeling constantly stressed.
But here’s the thing – your perfectionist need for control isn’t actually about being controlling. It’s about feeling safe. And there’s absolutely a way to let go without losing your high standards or feeling completely out of control.
Why Perfectionists Need Control: The Fear Behind the Behaviour
For most perfectionists, the need for control is deeply rooted in fear. Fear of failure. Fear of being judged. Fear of disappointing others and fear they won’t be liked, accepted, or valued. These are the same fears that drive perfectionists to people-please and hide their struggles or weaknesses.
But why can’t perfectionists just “feel the fear and do it anyway”? What’s really the worst that could happen?
Here’s what’s different for perfectionists: failure feels catastrophic and permanent.
Your entire self-worth is tied to meeting impossibly high standards. To avoid failure, you stick to what you know you’re good at. You avoid risk and uncertainty, choosing consistency whenever possible because what you already know feels safe.
And what’s the best way to ensure consistency? Controlling everyone and everything around you as much as possible.
For perfectionists, controlling people and situations is actually another way of controlling performance and how others perceive them. It’s a survival strategy that your brain thinks is keeping you safe.
The Perfectionist Need for Control: When Worry and Shame Take Over
Perfectionism often goes hand in hand with excessive worry, and it’s incredibly common for worriers to have an intolerance of uncertainty. The perfectionist need for control becomes an attempt to cope with this discomfort. Unfortunately, it rarely works because we can never be fully in control of every situation or outcome.
Shame also plays a huge part in this cycle.
Deep down, many perfectionists feel fundamentally flawed and inadequate. This mindset leads to incredibly high levels of shame – and for perfectionists, shame is basically the intolerable experience of being imperfect.
Your high standards, obsession with achievements, and constant need for control are all desperate attempts to make up for feeling ashamed. But here’s the cruel irony: this behaviour often creates MORE shame because your unrealistically high self-expectations are exactly that – unrealistic and impossible to maintain.
How to Let Go of Your Perfectionism-Fuelled Need for Control
From a CBT perspective, I understand the perfectionist need for control in terms of core beliefs and rules. You want to be in control (have more rules) so you can avoid your negative core beliefs being “true” (like “I’m worthless” or “I’m a failure”).
Maintaining control helps you feel safe. But as we’ve discussed, it can also have a massively negative impact on your life.
Here are some practical strategies to help you start letting go of your need for control:
1. Become More Aware of Your Control Patterns
If you want to let go of your perfectionist-driven need for control, you need to start noticing when and how it shows up. Ask yourself:
- When does this need for control feel strongest?
- Is it only in certain situations or with specific people?
- How does it physically manifest in your body?
- How does it make you feel emotionally?
Mindfulness can be incredibly helpful here. As well as becoming more aware of your thoughts, you’ll learn to let things be without trying to change them.
2. Build Your Tolerance to Uncertainty Gradually
When you’re used to being in control, the uncertainty that comes with letting go can feel terrifying. The key is building your tolerance slowly and intentionally.
Start small: experiment with giving up control of certain low-stakes things and observe what actually happens. Resist the urge to keep checking and practice just letting things unfold naturally.
3. Practice Self-Compassion When Things Don’t Go to Plan
For perfectionists, learning to release the need for control usually requires serious self-compassion work. You’ll need to allow yourself to make mistakes and accept imperfections without launching into harsh self-criticism.
Remember: self-compassion isn’t about lowering your standards. It’s about treating yourself with the same kindness you’d show a good friend when things don’t go perfectly.
Self-compassion is honestly the most effective way to quieten your inner critic and build genuine emotional resilience. Learn more about developing this skill in my post Find Out How Self-Compassionate You Are.
Breaking Free from the Control Trap
Learning to manage your perfectionism and need for control doesn’t mean becoming careless or giving up on excellence. It means recognising that trying to control everything is actually preventing you from performing at your best and enjoying your life.
The goal isn’t to stop caring about quality – it’s to stop exhausting yourself trying to control outcomes that were never fully in your hands anyway.
When you can release some of that control, you’ll actually find more energy for the things that truly matter and the standards that genuinely serve you.
Ready to Let Go Without Losing Your Edge?
If you’re struggling with your need for control and it’s impacting your relationships, work, or daily peace of mind, professional support can make a huge difference.
I specialise in helping perfectionists learn to let go of excessive control while maintaining the high standards that matter to them. Through CBT techniques and practical strategies, you can learn to feel safe even when everything isn’t perfect. Learn more about therapy with me here.
I also have a comprehensive 8-week program, Safely Imperfect, where I teach high-achieving women practical tools to feel confident letting go of control while keeping their standards. Want to learn my proven framework for managing perfectionism and control? Check out Safely Imperfect here.
Useful Links
💌 Thriving Perfectionist Diaries – Thought-provoking insights and gentle mindset shifts to help you embrace high standards while feeling calm and in control. Sign up here.
