What is People Pleasing?
The dictionary definition of a people pleaser is ‘a person who has an emotional need to please others often at the expense of his or her own needs or desires’. People pleasers are often seen as kind and helpful. Behind this agreeable façade, they often struggle to advocate for themselves which can lead to a negative pattern of self-sacrifice or self-neglect. Sound familiar?
People Pleasing, Poor Self-Esteem & Perfectionism
Poor self-esteem is often a factor in people pleasing behaviour. When we lack self-confidence, we have a greater need for external validation. People pleasers often believe doing things for others will lead to approval and acceptance. In some cases, people try to please others because they worry they won’t be liked if they don’t.
Perfectionism and people pleasing also go hand in hand. They are both efforts to prove your worth that tend to be driven by fear. Fear you’re not good enough and others will reject you in some way. Perfectionists and people pleasers often feel responsible for the happiness and needs of others. They also tend to put other people’s needs ahead of their own, often to their own detriment. For more help in this area, read 5 Ways to Beat Unhealthy Perfectionism.
Signs to Look Out For…
- You have a hard time saying no
- When you do say no, you feel guilty
- You worry people will think you’re mean or selfish if you turn them down
- You think doing things for others will earn their approval
- You often agree to things you don’t like or don’t want to do
- You’re constantly apologising and saying sorry
- You take the blame even when something isn’t your fault
- You struggle with feelings of low self-esteem
- You have little time for yourself because you’re always doing things for others
3 Ways to Stop People Pleasing in its Tracks
1. Build Some Boundaries
Clear and specific boundaries are the first line of defence against people pleasing. When you know and understand your limits, it’s easier to spot when someone is asking too much and resist the urge to help. You can set boundaries at work and at home, with people you know well and with people you’ve just met.
2. Start Saying No
It can be hard to make a sudden change, so start by asserting yourself in small ways. Try saying no to a text or email request before working your way up to telling people ‘no’ in person. Build your confidence by practicing in different settings or situations, or with different people.
3. Stop Saying Sorry
Saying sorry implies you are in the wrong, so next time you’re about to apologise, ask yourself whether this is true. If not, try these alternatives:
- Instead of ‘I’m sorry I’m late’ try ‘thank you for waiting’
- Instead of ‘I’m so sorry I can’t make it’ try ‘thanks so much for understanding’
- Instead of ‘I’m sorry I can’t help’ try ‘thanks for asking, I’d love to help next time’
- Instead of ‘I’m sorry this is taking so long’ try ‘thanks for being patient with me’
Practice Makes Good Enough
Changing behavioural patterns can be difficult. Learning to tolerate the discomfort and guilt created by enforcing boundaries and saying no may take time. You not only have to retrain yourself, but you must also teach people around you to understand and respect your limits. You need to give yourself adequate time and space to practice. And remember, pleasing others should never be done at the expense of your own happiness and wellbeing.
Find Out More
If you’re looking for a therapist to work on people pleasing, you can book an appointment here.
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