Are you your own worst enemy?
If you keep getting in your own way despite genuinely wanting to succeed, you’re probably struggling with self-sabotage – and you’re definitely not alone.
Learning how to stop self sabotaging is one of the most important skills you can develop, especially if you’re a perfectionist or high-achiever. Because here’s the thing: the very traits that can make you successful can also be the ones that hold you back from actually enjoying that success.
If you’re tired of being the biggest obstacle to your own goals, this post will help you understand what’s really happening and give you practical strategies to finally stop self sabotaging for good.
What Is Self-Sabotage and How to Spot It
In simple terms, self-sabotage is when you hinder or undermine your own success. It can be incredibly difficult to identify self-sabotaging behaviour because the consequences might not be immediately obvious, making the connection between your actions and outcomes unclear.
One powerful way to spot self-sabotage is to ask yourself: Are your daily behaviours actually aligned with your long-term goals and dreams? Are you doing things that move you closer to what you want or further away from it?
Self-sabotage can be conscious or unconscious:
Conscious self-sabotage:
You know you need to do something important (like folding that laundry pile or preparing for a presentation), but you choose to watch Netflix instead. You’re aware you’re making a choice that doesn’t serve your goals.
Unconscious self-sabotage:
This is when you do something that undermines a goal or personal value but don’t realise it until afterwards. For example, deep down you want to progress in your career, but you repeatedly show up late, do subpar work, or avoid taking on new challenges. With reflection, you might realise your fear of failure means you’re unconsciously doing everything possible to avoid promotion and increased responsibility – because that would create higher expectations and even more opportunities to fail.
Common Ways We Self-Sabotage
There are many forms of self-sabotage, and recognising them is the first step to stop self-sabotaging effectively:
The Classic Patterns:
- Procrastination – especially on important tasks
- Chronic worry that paralyses action
- Chronic lateness that damages professional relationships
- Intimacy and commitment issues – intentionally abandoning or ruining healthy friendships and relationships
- Stress eating or other coping mechanisms that create more problems
- Perfectionist paralysis – not starting because it won’t be perfect
Here’s what’s important to understand: To some degree, most of these behaviours are normal and not necessarily signs of a serious problem. Everybody engages in some form of self-sabotage occasionally.
The difference is frequency and impact. For some people, it’s occasional with minimal consequences. For others, it’s a chronic pattern that seriously impacts their life, work, and relationships.
For example, we all procrastinate sometimes (I definitely did a bit while writing this post!). But if procrastination became a consistent pattern with serious negative effects, then it would be crucial to look at those actions more closely and make changes.
Self-Sabotage & Perfectionism: The Hidden Connection
Here’s something many people don’t realise: unhealthy perfectionism is often a form of self-sabotage in disguise.
This perfectionist self-sabotage can look like:
- All-or-nothing thinking: “If I can’t do it perfectly, I won’t do it at all” – which means you miss out on opportunities entirely
- Perfect productivity obsession: Fixating on completing every single task on your to-do list rather than prioritising what’s actually urgent and important
- Refusing help: Believing others won’t do something “perfectly,” which damages relationships and leads to stress and burnout
- Analysis paralysis: Trying to make “perfect” decisions by overthinking minor details while neglecting objectively more important priorities
- Elaborate planning: Setting lofty, unrealistic goals with overcomplicated plans that you eventually abandon
- Never celebrating progress: Refusing to acknowledge small improvements, which keeps you locked in the self-sabotaging cycle
If you’re a perfectionist who wants to stop self sabotaging, recognising these patterns is absolutely crucial.
Why Do We Self-Sabotage? Understanding the Root Causes
There’s no single reason why people struggle to stop self sabotaging. The causes can be complex and deeply personal, but understanding some common patterns can help:
Learned Patterns:
Many people who self-sabotage are repeating patterns and habits they first learned as children that have since become automatic. If you grew up in an environment where success felt dangerous or where you learned that you weren’t worthy of good things, self-sabotage might feel “safer.”
Fear-Based Responses:
Sometimes self-sabotage is your brain’s way of protecting you from perceived threats – like the fear of failure, fear of success, or fear of being “found out” (hello, imposter syndrome).
Low Self-Worth:
When you don’t believe you deserve good things, you might unconsciously sabotage opportunities to maintain that familiar (if uncomfortable) status quo.
Trauma and Past Experiences:
Previous painful experiences can create unconscious patterns where you sabotage good things before they can be “taken away” from you.
How to Stop Self-Sabotaging: Practical Strategies That Work
The most important step to stop self-sabotaging is developing genuine self-awareness about what it looks like for YOU specifically. Here are evidence-based strategies that can help:
1. Get Crystal Clear on Your Goals and Values
We’re much more likely to commit to value-driven goals rather than goals based on comparison, avoidance, or restriction. When you’re trying to stop self sabotaging, ask yourself:
- What do I genuinely want my life to look like?
- What are my core values, and how do my current behaviours align with them?
- What are the genuine benefits of achieving this goal, beyond just “looking successful”?
2. Understand What’s Really at Stake
To effectively stop self sabotaging, you need to get honest about the true cost of continuing these patterns:
- What is your self-sabotaging behaviour actually costing you?
- What will your life realistically look like if you keep making the same choices?
- How does this compare to the life you decided to work towards when you established your goals and values?
3. Notice and Interrupt the Pattern
Once you start recognising your specific self-sabotaging behaviours, you can work on doing the opposite. Break down your usual pattern in as much detail as possible:
- What triggers the behaviour?
- What thoughts typically go through your mind?
- What would the opposite behaviour look like?
- What would happen if you committed to trying the opposite approach?
For example: If you tend to sabotage relationships by withdrawing and ignoring messages, what would happen if you committed to replying promptly? What if you reached out first, started conversations, or arranged to meet in person?
4. Practice Self-Compassion During the Process
Learning to stop self-sabotaging takes time, and you’ll probably slip back into old patterns occasionally. This is completely normal and doesn’t mean you’re “failing.” Practice speaking to yourself the way you’d speak to a good friend who was struggling with the same challenges.
Professional Support to Stop Self-Sabotaging
Sometimes the most effective way to stop self-sabotaging is to work with a therapist who can help you identify your specific patterns and develop personalised strategies to break them.
Therapy can be particularly helpful for self-sabotage because:
- You can explore the root causes in a safe, non-judgmental environment
- A trained therapist can help you spot patterns you might not see yourself
- You can develop tailored CBT strategies to challenge self-sabotaging thoughts and behaviours
- You can work through any underlying trauma or self-worth issues that contribute to the patterns
If you’re ready to stop self-sabotaging and want professional support to break these patterns for good, I’d love to help you develop a personalised approach that actually works. Explore therapy together here.
Useful Links
- Is Perfectionism Sabotaging Your Relationships?
- How and Why to Journal for Your Mental Health
- Stop Self-Sabotage with Mindfulness
💌 Thriving Perfectionist Diaries – Get weekly tools, insights, and mindset shifts to help you work with your perfectionism, not against it. Sign up here.
